Trying To Change....

I had an epiphany the other night that I wanted to share.  It is an internal perspective kind of thing and very personal, but I wanted to get my thoughts organized and down, so please bare with me...

It's about my latest shoulder surgery (well, actually, it's about much more than that, as you will soon see).  For those of you who don't know, I had to have a second surgery done on my right shoulder a week and a half ago.  Same shoulder....same surgery as last time.  Fun stuff...

So, here's a quick back story...

By the time Ryan and I went to Paris and Dubai, I could honestly say that my shoulder had healed.  I could do the things I wanted and needed to do, and was so relieved about it.  I felt normal again.  I felt whole again.  I felt like I could take care of my family again.  Life was good.

After our big trip, and after the semester was over for me, I looked at my sorry yard and knew I had a lot of catching up to do.  Very little had been done the previous summer because of my shoulder, so I needed to do two years worth of yardwork that month (at least that's the crazy notion that went through my head).  So, I went gangbusters on my yard.  Pulling out shrubs, weeding, tilling, planting, mowing, and even re-landscaping.  At night, I would come in and feel sore in my shoulder, but nothing too terrible, and by the next day, I would be fine.  That further convinced me that I was well and could continue.

Ummmm, I was wrong.

Towards the end of the summer, I starting thinking ahead to the upcoming school year.  Ryan's work load was becoming increasingly insane with his huge trial coming up, I was planning on finishing up my Associates and the kids were going to be involved in a few activities.  A few....actually like a lot.  The run down was something like this: one mom in College, one kid in Junior High, three kids in Elementary school, PTA, Primary President, ballet, soccer, piano, scouts, Young Women, voice lessons, and finally, theater productions.  The thought of my upcoming schedule literally brought me to an anxious state of mind.  (I'm shaking just typing all of that!) How was I going to be able to juggle everything? I prayed about it and felt strongly that we needed to simplify.  That is a hard thing for me, but, for reasons that I was unaware of at the time, I knew that things needed to become calmer and easier around here. As a family, we decided that I was going to be tutored at home by Denise in Math so I could just test out of it and not go to any classes.  Whew! One stress lightened!  We also decided to pull Lauren out of ballet classes.  This one was so hard for the both of us.  She is a beautiful dancer, and she has always enjoyed it, but we knew it was the right thing to do to "take our family time back". Voice lessons and sports also got placed on the back burner to simmer for a while.  Looking back, it is so interesting to me to see how the Spirit works in our lives to prepare us for things to come.  The trick, of course, is to listen and follow that Spirit, something I definitely need to improve on.

I continued to go crazy with my yard and house, trying to put things in order.  I just had an overwhelming feeling to get organized.  However, throughout the summer, my shoulder would more frequently become sore after hard labor, even though the soreness wouldn't last long.  In a nutshell, I simply continued to overwork my body instead of letting it heal from doing too much, too quickly after surgery. The frequency of the pain starting speeding up, until, by this Fall, I was back to square one: hurting all of the time, and unable to do even simple tasks like wiping off my kitchen counter!! 

Cue the "pity me" music here:  I was SO mad at myself for allowing this to happen again.  So mad at my body for being weak. Mad at everybody and everything.

But, after many Priesthood blessings, prayers, and discussions, I felt at peace with surgery.  I KNEW that it was the only way to get better again.  So, I had it done, it went well, and I'm now in recovery mode.

But, I was still having a hard time dealing with my situation.  I realize people go through far worse, but I was so discouraged about my lack of ability, my lack of usefulness, my lack of good mothering.  I knew I was put on this earth to be, among other things, a wife and a mother, and I felt that my situation was prohibiting those callings.

Wrong again....waaaaay wrong.

Now we come to my epiphany.  One of my sweetest and dearest friends took me to lunch this week, and as I was crying to her about how it feels to not be able to do anything for myself, as well as for my children or husband, she said something that I hope I NEVER forget. 

"I can't be a good mom when I'm in this poor physical condition," I whined to her.  "I can't cook and I can't clean.  It's so frustrating not to be able to do my job as a mom."

Here comes the lightning bolt:

"Jen, what an opportunity you now have to take this time to just hold them, and be with them, and just love them instead of all of that other stuff you can't do that doesn't really matter anyway! Pretty soon they are going to be grown up and gone.  You can never get this time back with them and there is always time for laundry later."

I have thought about that ever since she said it.  She is right, what an opportunity I have....what an opportunity I have already missed!!  I have gone through so much of my life worrying about all of the "mom stuff" that needs to get done.  Stuff that is worthwhile and good, but not essential for happiness in this life.  I tell Ryan all of the time that I'm such a Martha and I desperately long to be a Mary  (Luke 10:38-42).  Maybe this strong sense of "simplifying" coupled with this little trial in my life is helping get a little closer to that goal....if only I let it. 

This past week has been a new beginning for me.  I'm listening more, hugging more, asking more, and complimenting and encouraging more than I've done in a very long time.  I am seeing my precious children in a different way and trying to look for the positive rather than the negative. I am the first to admit that I'm far from perfect and I still see myself slipping into old habits, but I am determined to turn this road bump of mine into a learning and growing experience and hopefully improve myself in the process.

I want to take a moment to thank this wonderful friend of mine, who helped me to truly see what needed to be seen, as well as the DOZENS of others who have literally dropped everything in their busy lives to help me.  I have felt so loved!!  I have always known that service to others is a wonderful blessing and helps me grow, and suddenly now I'm discovering that my love is growing immensely for the wonderful people around me when I watch them serve me.  It has truly been a powerful experience to let go of the control and allow myself to be blessed by the hands of others.  I hope to one day be as Christlike as you all are! You are all an inspiration to me and my family, and my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude!!